A momentary lapse of vision

Life, I have figured you out,
but I wish I hadn't. They said you were different.
But they didn't know.
They sang paeans about your generosity,
and you betrayed them, repeatedly.
How did they not see?
They extolled your artistry,
but all you did was play whore in their time of need.
How did they not see?
You crippled them by indecision, victimizing all;
a trophy for your joy.
Yet they flock in numbers towards you.
Why do they not see?
When I asked, "Why?",
I was told "That's life".
But now I know.

***

11:47 PM. Suite No. 1 in G major, BWV 1007. Johann Sebastian Bach. This captivating brilliance is slowly consuming me. I am not going to stop it, not tonight. Music does to the soul what nothing else can do, and I am feeling the full effect of it. My slow day is coming to a rather grandiose end, dramatic if you may. 

Night, I know it's you.

Sadness. Sadness. An emotional state of pain is one definition that springs to mind. There are many others. It varies from individual to individual, and often varies with context too. Although we encounter sadness in our day to day life, defining it in words doesn't do it justice. The feeling is best understood when it is felt in full force; when you are the person affected. 

No one that reads this post can say that they haven't been sad at all, for that is impossible and inhumane. Whether it is a child who didn't get his ice-cream, or lovers who failed in their quest; we have all felt it, sadness is part and parcel of normal life. A recurring theme for some. 

While sadness might seem detrimental to the human psyche, it is not always the case. Assuming a person has been hurt by a certain event and is faced with sadness (let's say the damage done isn't very severe); depending on the person's mental strength and his bouncebackability, he unconsciously might be able to strengthen his ego defense mechanism, thus making his ego (second construct in Freud's structural model of the human psyche) less vulnerable for future attacks. This way, sadness actually benefits the victim. But no one is willing to take this route to mental strength for it's the hardest of all. Of course, this idea not applicable for major grievances in life such as death of a loved one etc., as the damage done by such events are not restricted to ego alone and recovery is often a detailed process. 

"A chronic incapacity to suppress negative emotion might be a key factor in the genesis of depression and anxiety."

Depression on the other hand is a far more severe issue that might be born out of constant exposure to sadness, and if the person has no planned strategy to overcome his issues, often marked by a distinct lack of interest. The worst part of depression is it's ability to disguise itself well. The most cheerful person out there might actually be suffering from a severe case of depression. Just that they have successfully managed to keep it a secret. Sometimes from themselves. 

***

It was past 5. An early dinner at D2. While I was there outside the food hall, my eyes came in contact with a group of Virginia Tech Corps of Cadets. They were under the Military Track (One of the four ROTC programs that Tech offers). I have always had a thing for punctuality. And my immediate reaction to seeing them neatly dressed in their military uniform and aligned in a neat stream, was one of pure admiration. Discipline. Discipline, of course. Strong men with short hair and fine etiquette. Women had their hair tied in a bun; their gaze steely. Now here were a bunch of people I would entrust the security of my country with. The pain of discipline is nothing like the pain of regret. 

All rights belong to VT

***

It is 1:47 AM. Sleep eludes me these days with alarming consistency. There's a peculiar beauty in the breakdown of my relationship with sleep. I can't say I didn't see it coming, though. Sleeping is no mean art: for its sake one must stay awake all day. Even Nietzsche's quotes are starting to make sense without any effort, I think...

Significant Other

It was 10 minutes to 7. Shine On You Crazy Diamond. All twenty six minutes of it. The music came alive, steadily allowing itself to permeate through every nook and corner of my room. And then as a final act, entered my soul. We were one. Again. Good start, I thought.

Coffee was stronger than usual. By accident or design, I can't recall, but it was good. I allowed the familiar strong aroma of hot coffee do it's morning routine: to prep me up for the day physically. Braving the -3C chill, I set off for my 8 AM. 

As expected, it moved at snail's pace. Slower even. Every now and then, I felt the second-hand of my watch pause, as if following the theme of the class. 75 minutes passed. I was out and about in the cold again. Pile on many more layers and I'll be joining you there. Next class: Accounting. This should be fun, my mind cheered me up. I entered Torgesen, the building where my class was located.

Torgesen Bridge

And the first thing that met my eyes were a couple. They were neatly dressed: the guy in a black suit and the girl in a blood red skirt. Both were in my class. The girl's left palm was clenched tightly by the boy, and in her right hand, she held a bouquet of multi-colored roses. Of course. Saint Valentine's day. A day dedicated for lovers. Pretenders disguised as lovers make their appearance too. 2 more pairs appeared, lost in their little worlds. Again, both were from my class. Suddenly my mind played host to stupid worries; whether I would be the only one without a Valentine. Stupid, I know. But to my surprise and mid relief, others followed. Others like me. Dressed in normal clothes, hands free, minds occupied with 'regular' thoughts. Now there's a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky. 

The class brought me back to reality. A reality in which numbers were the sole governors of my focus. Numbers entice me. If only everything in this world could be broken down to bare numbers, stripping it of emotions. That way, we will be able to perceive life objectively, thus enabling us to make a higher percentage of correct decisions in various facets of life. That is my idea of an ideal world. But nothing is ideal in this world. Never will be.

***

Love is not blind - it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less. 

The ability to love is a powerful quality to possess. Not all can love. We all try, often without success, but the few those who have tasted success know what it feels like. It's almost like any business venture, except in love, there is an additional 'emotion' factor, which makes it that much harder. Nobody knows where you are, how near or how far.

***

It's past 12AM. And I am quickly downing the Butter Chicken that my brother prepared. The night is young, but not young enough for a movie. I start my day tomorrow in the 1930s. History of Modern World. But for now, I'm paying a visit to the 90s. Seinfeld it is.

Vagaries of the mind

11 AM. I am out of my History of Modern World class. I start to walk. Aimlessly at the start, but after the first few steps I knew where I was headed: nowhere. Tremendous gusts of wind forced me to unintentionally (Or intentionally) deviate ever-so-slightly from my path. I didn't mind. After all, there are infinite ways to get to nowhere, aren't there? Or maybe, I was already there. I couldn't really tell. Tress whistled in frustration at this untimely intruder. I could empathize. Winds brought in their familiar companions: clouds. Not ordinary ones. Dark, ominous, heavily pregnant clouds. Rain wasn't welcome. Not today.

Drillfield (All rights belong to VT)

A few minutes later, something happened. The girl was in a chequered red top, black skirt with a brown hoodie on, and the guy had a slightly faded GAP sweatshirt. A couple lost in thoughts, surely. The girl was on the balls of her feet, arms around her man. Whispering something deep. Something romantic. Probably. They were there; right in the middle of countless pairs of legs streaming through the vast, spacious Drillfield, obviously oblivious of the sets of eyes that accompanied the legs. Standing there as if only they ruled the world. As if only they now possessed the key to something elusive that everyone else seemed to have lost or used up at some point in their lives. There was a spark in their eyes; a spark that only lovers can produce. Pretenders can imitate everything else, but that spark; it can only be the sole property of lovers.


"And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you."


I was no longer there; I was traveling. My mind took off to the past, rich with it's own incidents and memories, replacing the guy and the girl with familiar faces. Faces that once mattered. I almost yearned, but no; deep down I knew it was a void that didn't need filling. Not yet at least. You know how sometimes when looking down from great heights, we sometimes get a tiny urge to jump; it was that. Something so miniscule that it barely had time to reach the surface.  

***

In a quest to reach nowhere, I, my mind rather, ended up reaching somewhere. This abyss is deep. Convoluted. Tangled. But I am not lost. 

***

Steady thudding of rain droplets on my roof, on my window panes. The Rain Gods sure know how to keep a promise. 11: 27 PM.